Midnight Bumming

At least that is what we called it when I was a student. Bubba's Bagels was the best place in the world to Midnight Bum. Alas, it had to shut its doors when that no-good fast food chain disguised as a coffee shop (for those unaware, I'm speaking of Starbucks) moved in next door. At Bubba's Bagels the rack would be filled with leftover bagels and assorted goodies. Yet, they advertised that it was made fresh daily. In that instance, what is a business to do? Well, they throw out all of the leftover food at the end of the day.

Back in the day, it was a regular occurrence for a group of students to make their way in to the aforementioned establishment approximately 20 minutes before closing. Note the amount of time, it is indeed significant. A patron who arrives 30 minutes prior to closing has more than enough time to order, sit, eat and leave before the restaurant closes up shop. However, that jerk that walks in 10 minutes before closing is either completely inconsiderate or up to something.

The plan was as such:
We would order a cup of coffee (and they served real coffee, not the imitation, syrupy frufru mess they have at Starbucks). The two or three of us, never any more than that, would sit and enjoy the ambience until that key moment when the guy behind the counter came around the corner with the mop. It was then that we made our move.

Step 1: establish conversation
Understand that by this time, we had done the preliminary work of making ourselves a “regular” in the place and our faces were all familiar. Indeed, we were on the “acknowledge each others presence when we saw one another at Walmart” stage of the relationship with most of the staff at Bubba's. So striking up random conversation was possible. One must make sure the conversation is of the dullest order. Beware the trap of actually talking about something that is of interest. This leads to many extra minutes wasted as the guy with the mop rambles on about college football statistics or why a flat tax would help the economy.

Step 2: offer your services to help clean 
This step is key, and will throw them off guard. Do not do it blatantly. You will look like a dog who just sat up and wants a treat. You might as well roll around on the floor and play dead. Instead, start helping straighten chairs and maybe put some of the napkins back in their holder while you are talking to the fellow. Inevitably, the point here is two-fold. First, you are rendering yourself useful, and secondly, you are keeping yourself in the store long enough to get past the mop and straighten stage of his cleaning. The next stage is the one with the payoff.

Step 3: make note of the leftover food 
But do it nonchalantly! If the phrase, “Hey, what are you guys gonna do with all that food!?” comes out of your mouth, you just lost. Some popular phrases we would use were as follows: “Man, I would never have expected you guys to have that many bagels at the end of the day,” or “Do you guys refrigerate those over night?” Feel free to come up with your own. The trick here is to get him to verbalize that it will just have to be thrown away... unless...

Step 4: the humble acceptance 
In this step, one must seem a little shocked at the prospect of receiving the food. As though, it had never crossed their mind. Then, almost out of duty now since you brought it up, you accept the two brown grocery sacks stuffed so full of bagels that they are falling out of the top. All the while raining compliments and thanks upon the guy who has obviously made this great exception by giving you the food instead of throwing it away.

Mission accomplished. We would have enough bagels to last our dorm room for a week solid.

While Bubba's Bagels is no longer an option, there are other places in the area where you may be able to pull off a little Midnight Bumming. Start by considering the locally owned establishments in the area. Somewhere that does baked goods daily is almost a dead ringer. In addition, if they prepare food in advance in order to sell at the counter, odds are good that they will have a stack of something left over at the end of the day. Obviously, most places do not close at midnight as Bubba's did, so you will need to know the time they close.

I have heard rumor of people having success with this technique at donut shops, gas stations with the little Krispy Kreme stand in them (howbeit this exchange happens very early in the morning, say 2 or 3 am), and even Little Ceasars now that they are doing the Hot n' Ready.


Good luck!

Burger Basket

Few things are as American as the hamburger, even though it is actually German. Furthermore, few things prove you are a real man like grossly overeating in the presence of others. With these two things in mind, gentleman, I introduce you to the Burger Basket.

Just past civilization on the outskirts of a little burg known as Bells, Tennessee rests this bastion of greasy goodness.  A restaurant, if you can call it that, that caters to the hard-working cotton farmers in the surrounding area, this joint knows how to serve up the food. The only thing on the menu that is not deep-fried is indeed the hamburger, and what a hamburger it is. They come in many shapes and sizes. (By many, I mean three.) However, the real man only goes to the Burger Basket for one thing... the House Special.

Many men have attempted the House Special, few have made it out alive. This culinary masterpiece serves up a whopping triple-cheeseburger, complete with all the "fixin's"; at least a pound or more of krinkle-cut french fries, extra grease; and a 48 ounce bucket of lemonade.  To boot, this triple cheeseburger is no laughing matter. Each patty is probably 2/3 pound of beef and the finished product looks more like a car tire than a Big Mac.

Coming in at just under eight bucks for the whole meal, the price may seem a little steep to the college student (read bum) or other area tightwad. However, the price is more than fair when you consider this styrofoam carton full of cholesterol easily takes the place of three meals.

To find the Burger Basket, take highway 412 towards Dyersburg from Jackson. After 15 minutes or so begin looking for an exit to Bells. Follow the road into bells and the Burger Basket is the ugly, red and white building just past the only grocery store in town. You can not miss it.

Golf Ball Diving

There is apparently much debate over the precise origins of golf. Theories abound that place its beginnings in either ancient Rome, China, Persia or Europe. The prevailing theory places its birth on the British Isles in the country of Scotland around the 12th century. Wherever its inception, golf has been a great contribution to mankind, providing us with hours of entertainment.

For instance, where else would one get to laugh at old men dressed in ridiculous patterns of plaid? In addition to its intrinsic humor, it has the added effect of becoming a powerful anesthesia when shown on television. Hence its airing on Sunday afternoons while everyone is taking their nap. I actually sat and attempted to watch it once, I did not wake up until late the next day.

Perhaps though, one of golf's greatest gifts is the water hazard (not to be confused with the Dukes of Hazzard). These littles jewels dot the landscape of any well designed golf course, beckoning would-be golfers to send their ball off into oblivion. Golfers may try to avoid the wiles of these ball traps; however, many will succumb to their siren song. Leaving a plethora of little, white treasures in a watery grave.

Enter golf ball diving.

Golf course water hazards make the perfect late night excursion, as long as you do not get caught. During the summer months, there is nothing quite like a nocturnal goodwill mission to rescue water-logged golf balls. In a good night, you can pull several hundred old balls out of these little ponds. Bring a bucket, but leave your flashlight at home.

Rarely are these makeshift pools deeper than 4-6 feet, so they provide the perfect place for a few night-time laps, or a good game of Marco Polo. The added benefit is walking away with more golf balls than you can carry, providing you with an activity for the next night... trying to lose all of those golf balls.

Golf courses abound in the Jackson area, there are three right in town. Some are easier to access than others, so exercise common sense. Oh, and do not destroy anything. Golf courses can get picky if you mess up their manicured lawn.

Urban Spelunking

In case you are not familiar with the term, “spelunking” is defined as the exploration of caves, especially as a hobby. (We will discuss the topic of real spelunking in length at a later date.) Urban spelunking (US), while related to its natural cousin, is nuanced in ways that make it a sport all its own. Indeed, for the Jacksonian, this is an easily accessible pass time, as there are several US entryways located within the city limits.

US is a rather easy hobby to get involved with as it only requires the participant to own a flashlight, and clothing they do not mind seeing absolutely destroyed. The art of US (as it is certainly not a science) requires one who is not afraid of tight spaces, standing or running water in said tight spaces, or small, sewer-dwelling creatures. The US environment is one of varying shapes, sizes, and construction materials. Often, the tubing used to build these underground passageways is large and made of concrete. In these instances, one's footing is usually quite stable. On the other hand, there are instances where steel and even reinforced plastic tubing is used in the drainage systems. If that is the case, the tunnels can be quite slippery and one must proceed with caution. In addition, many times standing water inside the tunnel networks will prohibit the spelunker from seeing the bottom of the tunnel. It is not uncommon to see water anywhere from ankle to waist deep, depending on the recent rain flow. Be careful as random debris can often be found lurking under the surface of the water.

Of course, I must provide a word of caution to anyone who is considering a US outing. This can actually be quite dangerous at times. Never go by yourself and do not go during a rain storm or very shortly after. Please keep in mind the nature or underground tunnels if you plan on goofing off in them.

In Jackson, there are several places where the interested spelunker can gain entry to a network of underground tunnels. The two most famous are found near Jackson General Hospital, and the shopping centers near Union University. For the sake of anonymity, I will not post exact locations to these entry points on this blog. However, someone interested in finding them should keep his or her eyes peeled for open drainage tunnels around heavily developed areas. Follow the path of rainwater and you will find where these tunnels slip in and out of sight. Also, keep in mind that Jackson is rapidly developing in places and these rain water drainage tunnels often change shape, direction, and new ones occasionally appear.


Happy Hunting.

The Forked Deer River

The Forked (pronounced fork-ed) Deer River is perhaps one of Jackson's greatest unsung treasures. Once one looks past the murky water, the slimy mud bottoms, the unusually large amount of trash that accumulates along its bank, and the inconvenient fact that a waste water treatment facility dumps there exhaust water into it; then he or she will find a jewel of outdoor entertainment.

The Forked Deer River actually has three branches, the South, Middle, and North as they are called. The two branches of concern to the Jacksonian however, are the south and middle as Jackson sits conveniently between the two of them. You can find access points to the south branch in south Jackson and access points to the middle branch just north of town as you head towards Three Way or Medina.

If you are wondering why on earth you would even care about accessing this river, then let me tell you. During my time in Jackson, my cronies and I found many an adventure around the slowly moving, and faintly smelly waters, of the Forked Deer. For instance, if you travel down the 45 Bypass to Airways Blvd and hang a left, you will very shortly cross a bridge and see a little turn off to your right. The old path leads back almost a mile to a small clearing in the woods. Here is a great place for a campfire or to set up some tents for the night right next to the waters edge. It is a wonderful spot due to its proximity. It is only minutes from north or south Jackson, but feels like you are out in God's country.

An idea that is even more daring is the use of the river for water sports. The Ocoee has nothing on the tubing adventure you can experience on the middle fork (the one north of Jackson) of the river. There are two road access points to this branch of the river. One of them is directly up the bypass headed towards Three Way. You will see the bridge as it goes over the river. You can park one car here and then take everyone to the beginning of the trip. The second access point is on Old Medina Road north of the intersection with Ashport. There is a railroad bridge to the right and a large access to the river on the left. Park your second car here and unload people and tubes and float to the first car. It will take you about 2-3 hours depending how fast the water is moving. This makes a great after class activity to wind down after a long day of lectures.

The water level varies greatly on the Forked Deer. Spring and the early months of summer are the best time to attempt this feat. Any later and the river is too low to float your tube and you will find yourself on a two mile hike through mud back to the other car. Also, when it rains for several days, the water level can get terribly high and fast. In these conditions, tubers beware. Oh, and watch out for snakes.

A Disclaimer

So, I sat down the other day and made a list of potential articles for this blog, and came to the conclusion that it needed a disclaimer. Please note the new disclaimer at the top of the page just under the title.

On a another note, this list is pretty long, and I think I've got some pretty funny stuff to stick up here! So, it should keep you entertained for a while.

The Park & Eat

What better way to start the list than this iconic eatery? After all, this is my list, and restaurants do have a special place in my heart (or stomach... not sure). And of all the restaurants in Jackson, I think this one takes the cake. I mean, where else could you find a diner that serves hamburgers, Philly cheese steak, eggrolls, white beans and cornbread, Greek gyros, and Won-ton soup all on the same menu? Talk about some interesting lunch combinations! Not to mention, this restaurant is home to my favorite Asian businesswoman in Jackson. If you have ever eaten there, you know just who I'm talking about.

In all reality, this local diner is a great place to eat, and for roughly the same cost as fast food. Everything I have had there is worth eating, especially the burgers. The Super Double Bacon Cheeseburger combo, while it will take a year off of your life expectancy, is really worth the risk. Oh, and they serve the crinkle-cut fries too (melted cheese optional), an added bonus.

Head south down the 45 bypass from north Jackson and hang a left on Hollywood. The Park & Eat is within eyeshot of the bypass. If you've never eaten there, try it this week. You'll thank me. Oh, and tell the little Asian lady I said hello. She has no idea what my name is, but tell her anyway!